


Geese?!

by Sexjokenotintended



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Animal Control - Freeform, F/M, Geese, Locus - Freeform, Red vs Blue - Freeform, rvb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 20:59:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14901902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sexjokenotintended/pseuds/Sexjokenotintended
Summary: Locus X Chorus animal control reader. You're dedicated to your job as the only remaining employee of animal control, unfortunately this means you've been living by yourself with no contact with anything but geese for 5 years. You don't know anything about a goddamn war.





	Geese?!

“GEESE!” You chased after the large, flock of white birds as you readied your rocket launcher. “PREPARE FOR THE ENDTIMES!” You shouted with glee, you steadied your aim before noticing something- someone in the distance.  
“FELIX.” his voice was loud and angry, quite raspy and super hot actually. You tripped when you realised that you hadn’t been chasing a swarm of geese, you’d been chasing a tall and VERY angry man dressed in the edgiest colour-pallette.  
“Calm down Fishsticks, it was just a joke!” The man assumedly called Felix chuckled and leaned against a tree. The edgy boy approached the orange man and stared at him with what you assume was supposed to be an intimidating glare but he was wearing a helmet so you weren’t entirely sure.

“So there are no GEESE? yOU CALLED THE GREAT AND AMAZING (Y/N), QUEEN OF ANIMAL CONTROL FOR A J O K E?! THE PUNISHMENT IS DEATH“ You raised your rocket launcher again, running towards them, only trip over the orange man’s leg.  
“Who’s this idiot?” Felix asked looking down on you.  
“This planet has an animal control service?” The edgy man questioned still very pissed off, “And next time you make a joke like that Felix, leave me out of it.”  
“Shut up Fishsticks, nobody cares.”  
“How about you both shut up?” You looked around to see where this new voice came from, it was deep and sexy and totally turned you on. Suddenly a man in green and black armor materialized out of thin air looking at the three idiots before him. 

“And who are you to question the great queen of animal control? No mortal dare defy me!” Yes you were being an idiot, but yes, it was also worth it. “BE YOU SOME NOBLE LORD? OR BE YOU A COMMON FUCKIN’ COP?” 

The three men looked at you in what could only be some concoction of confusion, anger, amusement and one of them seemed slightly aroused.

“I’ve got a department to run! I have no time for this shenaniganry! Answer me or answer my rocket launcher!”

“... Is this a joke? Felix, I thought I told you to stop wasting our time by threatening soldiers into doing stupid things” The green man who had immediately caught your attention and who's entrance had you convinced he was a wizard of sorts spoke with utter disappointment.

“Hey this isn't on me, whoever she is she's clearly insane though.” Felix replied looking at you. The very very very dark lime man looked at you and spoke with clear authority.  
“Identify yourself, now.”  
Fucking damn hot I do say. That's what you thought you said in your head, in reality you said that quite loudly.  
You laughed in a way that half-proved Felix’s point and buried your head in your hands. After a good few minutes, you stood up and looked the lime tree in the face -uh- helmet.

“I’m (Y/N)! The best - and only - member of Chorus Animal Control! How may I direct your call, sir?”  
The pinelimecrimesubline man looked at you than Felix.  
“It's your problem now Locus, she seems to have taking a liking to you.”  
“Felix-”  
“No need to thank me, looks like you'll finally be getting some action.”  
“FELIX-”  
“Maybe she's really cute, the crazy ones always are.”  
Felix chuckles once again before walking away, the e d g e following close behind not wanting to get involved.

You sighed and chuckled happily,  
“Works every time.” You sat down on the ground and looked out, “There were no geese, were there?” Your voice was almost sorrowful. You grabbed onto his arm and pulled him down next to you, “There’s never any geese.”

“Don't touch me. We are not friends.” the green Xbox One’s voice was strictly monotone and he immediately stood back up. He was fucking hot as SHIT mate, and that was just his voice.  
“Why are you here and who do you work for?” You sighed annoyedly,  
“I told you, key lime, I’m animal control! I got a call that there were overly aggressive geese and to use rocket launchers, it just turns out that the ‘geese’ were your edgy friend over there.” 

Suddenly he’s way less hot. And once again you failed to keep your thoughts in your head.

“Do not call me ‘key lime’ and I could care less about how attractive you find me... That's it? You were called here because you were told that there was… violent geese? That's the entire reason that you ended up on a planet in the middle of nowhere currently in a war. Geese. Violent. Geese.” the mysterious grass man questioned very unimpressed. 

It's true, your life was a joke and you really wanted to get laid. The edgy guy had a cool voice, totally hot, the orange one was eh and the repetitive detective has a voice that can make you want to scream “GEESE!” In octaves that would make a grown soldier shrill in pain. It's decided. Your new mission. There are no more geese, no not at all… instead your mission was to control their animals. Gettin' laiiiiidddddddd by Mr Edge or sour raspberry.

“Well Mr Topiary, I was already here! Any more stupid questions about CHORUS animal control or may I resume flirting with people until I get another call?”

Shrubman had messed up, he had made a powerful enemy. For you RUN the Animal Control and you would continue to chase his edgy friend with a rocket launcher after you’d gotten what you’d came for.  
The man time. 

“No and stop using those ridiculous names, you can call me Locus. Are you good with weapons?”  
Oh bitch if only he knew. You didn't go to law school, vet school and work at a barbershop without proper training with guns and knives. People said you were crazy, people said you were an insane madwoman, people said “YOU JUST SHOT SHEILA! THIS IS WHY WE BANNED YOU FROM BRINGING GUNS INTO WORK!” but little did they know that Sheila was a total bitch and she deserved it, the fuckwit didn't even die. Also that it was your dream to join the military and so on.

„I chase geese with rocket launchers. Of course I fucking know how to aim, grasshopper!“ honestly, this PlayStation‘s questions were getting more idiotic by the second. “Every member of Chorus Animal Control knows how to aim!”

“I think I've heard enough of this.”  
The green pineminewhinefinedine raised his gun at you completely through with your bullshit.  
“Come on Locus, give the girl a chance.” Felix, the tangerine man patted Locus the superior Xbox One on the shoulder quite condescendingly. 

“She doesn't lack any qualities that a soldier requires and she thought there were geese on Chorus.” the man whose armor was definitely not Emerald but surely a darker shade of green looked at Felix the certainly not apricot man. 

“We recruited the wannabe batman villain, why not geese girl? She's good with explosives, he's good with fire, it's a match made in heaven!”  
“NO.”  
Shockingly the not sea green man objected to the last part in particular, you don't know why because you just met him and he seems to hate and you're still fairly undecided on him leaning towards disliking… you need to see his face. 

“So uh,” you turn to Felix, “Is me leaving still on the table? I need to check on the rest of the planet’s geese.” But really you just wanted to run away and return later to spy on the neon highlighter duo.

“ I’ll take that as a yes and-“ you threw down a smoke grenade, dramatic entrance, dramatic exit.

“Felix, you need to stop wasting my time with your jokes. Get that soldier back in armor and tell her to get back to work.” The monotone mystery man walked away from his partner.  
“I don't know who she is though! Seriously i-... He's left. Fucking asshole.” the cat food container followed him annoyed.

— << Time Skip >> — 

You giggled and zoomed in further with your all new sniper rocket launcher,  
“Now…” Wait. He wasn’t… “where’s the mint ice cream man?” Shit.  
You were looking at the wrong ass. You weren't literally looking at his ass, you were just looking at the wrong person.  
Instead, you were looking at a helmetless Felix. I mean, he looks alright but not nearly as good as you imagine that thin mint motherfucker looking like. Okay, you were just a little bit desperate but damn that voice hit you hard. Harder than hard. It beat you with a stone. You just needed to see his face to confirm your suspicions and then you can activate your signature charm. 

Suddenly, it hit you.  
You had to get inside his room.  
How, you may ask? By using your stealth skills of course!

>>>Timeskip<<<  
You were in, you knocked out that girl and stole her armor which happened to fit you perfectly. Actually you had to knock out like ten girls before you found your size. You made your way to his room and opened the door to see…  
Holy shit on my mother's grave. 

G e e s e

They were all geese, every single one of them. And you know what happens to geese? They burn.

“DIE YOU FEATHERED VERMIN!” You grabbed one of the unconscious soldiers and threw them towards what you believed to be geese.

The unconscious soldier fell to the ground after being shot in the full by a shirtless man you had never seen before.  
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”  
Oh my lord.  
It was 4cb817. Damn was he h o t. But more importantly, he was not geese.

What was it that your mother told you about leaving awkward situations? Point and Yell. 

“GOOSE MAN! BEGONE!” 

The “goose man” was not having it. He shot you in the leg.  
“Are you working for the reds and blues?!”  
He seems to have misread your intentions completely, he thinks you're attacking him and not stalking him because he's attractive and you're lonely.

“OW! I work for fucking Chorus Animal Control! I thought I saw geese! And you always have to kill geese!” You grabbed your leg and swore viscously, “THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO ANYTHING UNTIL I’VE BEEN CALLED.” He would pay.

“You are either lying or insane and I will find out which one it is.”  
He approached you glaring intensely which was turning you on more than a little bit but also made you a confused mixture of curious and vengeful.

“Why haven’t you killed me yet? You’ve had so many chances to.” You smirked, not that he could tell. Green Bean’s not gonna take the shot! Finally, a thought that stayed in your head! Not that it really mattered. 

You weakly stood up, “Or maybe you don’t want to…”

“Unnecessary casualties make for a bad report.”  
He backs you to against a wall and looks you in the eyes.  
“Why are you still here?” 

You smiled from behind the stolen helmet,  
“I’ve been shot in the leg and backed against a wall by a cute guy, need I say more?” If he was the death of you, so be it. Lemon lime over here was cute enough and you were just crazy enough to not try to get away.

Lime milkshake’s expression changed to a confused stare. Did you have a death wish? How were you not intimidated? 

Well you were shot in the leg and cornered by an incredibly cute guy.

“You wanna fuck?” You asked  
“What? Why would i-”  
You cut him off by shhing him and taking off your helmet, long story short you were hot as fuck.  
The mean green killing machine locked the door.

“Ready to take it off big boy?”


End file.
